Culrophobia
by Ringtailer720
Summary: Definition: A fear or hatred of clowns. Archie fears them; Valerie wants to help him. An ArchieValerie oneshot.


**Culrophobia (N):** The fear or hatred of clowns. Another Archie/Val oneshot with the personal canon idea of having dear ol' Archie being afraid of clowns.

As always, The Magic School Bus and all below-mentioned things belong to their respective owners.

* * *

If there was one thing in the world that Archibald couldn't stand, it was clowns.

He could deal with many other things; his girlfriend Valerie, for example. Many people found it strange how such a calm person such as himself could deal with somebody as energetic and outgoing as she. She was the type whose ideal honeymoon involved skydiving or mountain climbing, and her hobbies included working on a bus engine. She came across as quite scatterbrained, such as the time when he found that she often fell asleep on a bed that was half-covered by blueprints and other small gadgets. She preferred a lizard to a cat or dog and changed her house's decor on a whim.

Her family too was quite overwhelming for some. She had grown up on a farm with eight brothers and a cousin, all of whom were also a bit wacky. Since both she and her cousin were the only two females (aside from their grandmother) on the farm, both women oftentimes did things that were seen as "boyish" (hence the fascination with engines).

But it was all of these little quirks in her personality and her life that attracted him to Valerie in the first place. She was exciting, ever-changing, and never the same every time.

But clowns--_they_ were something he could never stand. Blame it on his mother who had thought that hiring a clown for her son's second birthday was fun, and then said clown got a bit too drunk on the Schnapps before the party...he shuddered to think of that day.

His girlfriend's cousin found it hilarious when they went to the fast food restaurant in Walkerville for a quick bite to eat, and Archibald became uneasy with the fact that the mascot was a plastic clown by the door.

_"Oh come on!" Murph had said when he and Valerie had switched seats so that he could avoid seeing the dreaded clown. "It's a stupid clown!"_

_"Now Murph," Valerie had defended, "Not all people like clowns, and not all clowns are good. Remember Pennywise?" Archibald shuddered at the name, having previously been subjected to half of the movie by the sadistic Murph._

_"Yea, that clown is pretty ugly." Murph stated. "I'd like to pelt the cheap plastic thing with BBs or something." Then she'd held up her hands and mimed shooting at the demented figure. He had chuckled a bit; Valerie had rolled her eyes._

_"You and shooting things..."_

Besides that, there had been the previously-mentioned "IT" that Murph had tortured him with. There had also been a panic-inducing situation when several of Valerie's brothers had dressed as clowns and ambushed him as he and his girlfriend had arrived for dinner one evening.

He had never seen her so pissed off before (and that was putting it very, very mildly).

So he was very surprised when his next date with her involved her bringing him to her bedroom vanity. He looked warily at the tubs of makeup and other such things that covered the surface in lieu of her usual gadgets and gizmos. She also wore a very brightly colored smock and baggy pants, but she didn't indicate yet what she was planning.

"What's all this--" He was silenced by one of her delicate fingers on his lips.

"Shh. I want to show you something." She shrugged Liz off of her shoulder, and the lizard slipped down to a shoebox on the floor beside the vanity. Valerie opened one of the tubs to reveal bright red paint. She did the same to the other jars, revealing many other colors in the process.

"I want to try to get you over this fear of clowns," the redhead told him plainly, pulling out a tube of ruby lipstick. He found himself drawn to her lips as she applied it liberally; he'd never seen her wear lipstick except when they went on a "serious" date. He didn't think to ask her where she'd gotten the makeup or to protest that all of her best efforts were futile. He was focused only on how the lipstick made her lips appear full.

"I'll start very slowly. Am I scary now?" He shook his head, at a loss for words. She turned her attention back to the vanity and to the next step. She painted and filled in large white circles around her eyes and then put small circles at the corners of her lips with red paint. Then she turned back to look at Archibald.

"Am I scary now, Archie?" He admitted it; she really wasn't all that scary (she looked more unusual than anything). Now she connected the white circles around her eyes with white circles on her cheeks and dotted the area under each eye with red freckles.

"Am I scary now?" How could he be? It was Valerie under all that makeup, after all. Something glittered in her eyes as she was handed a small hat by Liz. She placed it on.

"Do you understand what's at the heart of a clown now?"

All this time, she'd been trying to prove a point. She'd been trying to help him by showing him that even with all the makeup she put on, she was still herself and still the woman he loved. At this point he still wasn't sure if it was because he knew it was her; for all he knew, he was still afraid of the monstrous clowns. But he gave her credit for trying to help him, nonetheless.

"So am I scary--" He cut her off with his lips; she made a surprised sound as he embraced her tightly. He extended a hand to where her hair was pinned up and removed the pins, careful not to disturb the hat she'd put on.

"You are such a clown, Val." She smiled brightly.

"Yet you aren't afraid of me."

Liz left the room shortly thereafter.

(End)


End file.
